the impish eye doctor

this is a writing exercise written by a friend. read on, very funny.

LETTER OF APPLICATION

September 21, 2006

The Department Head

The Surgery Department

St. Luke’s Medical Center

279 E. Rodriguez Sr. Blvd. Quezon City 1102 Philippines

Dear Sir:

I am aware that there is a shortage of doctors in our country so please allow me to do my patriotic duty to help alleviate this alarming problem besetting the medical community. My name is Orven Enoveso but you can call me Doc for short. I would like to apply for a position in your department as resident plastic surgeon.

I have attached my resume and list of accomplishments with this letter for you to study. At first glance, I am sure you will quickly conclude that I am nowhere near qualified for the job having no formal medical background. However, I urge you to seriously reconsider this application based on the following points:

1. Even with my limited medical schooling, I fully understand that plastic surgery does not involve using Tupperware products. In fact, I am quite familiar with the fact that the main tools employed are a felt-tipped pen to mark where the cuts will be made, scalpels for making incisions, not box cutters, mind you, and curved needles to stitch up whatever was cut open.

2. I am absolutely not homophobic. Sorry, I meant hemophobic, but I’m sure political correctness is a plus in the medical industry also, right?

3. I am very organized and will never make the mistake of leaving anything inside a patient’s opened up chest.

4. I am a voracious reader and I devour content like a dry sponge. I enjoy reading medical encyclopedias and have even on occasion read the book directory of medicines that my parents keep in their first aid kit. I have nearly memorized the generic names of all the entries plus their corresponding indications, safe dosages, etc.

5. To supplement my readings, I watch every show on cable TV that involves medicine and surgery and I even take notes. My regular and strict regimen includes “Reality TV”, “Medical Detectives”, “House”, ‘Grey’s Anatomy’, and, of course “Nip / Tuck”. I even review the old episodes of “Doogie Houser M.D.” to familiarize myself with early medical practices.

6. I am a team player; as such I am sure I will be able to get along well with your medical staff especially the nurses.

7. My sense of detail is acute. This I can prove to you because I have always consistently been able to identify surgical work done on most Hollywood celebrities even by just examining magazine photos.

8. I did well in Biology class in high school where we were asked to dissect frogs.

9. I have good bearing and I look good wearing a white coat.

10. Lastly, as mentioned in my resume, my main educational background is in Fine Arts and as you can see in my photocopied Transcript of Records, my grades in “Anatomy” and “Life Drawing” are outstanding. Obviously, I have a superb sense of aesthetics and keen understanding of the classic human form, both male and female, which I am supremely confident, will prove an invaluable asset in my practice, if given the opportunity.

After discussing the above points, I trust you will treat this application with the same seriousness as when you study a potential tumor. If you feel unsure about my qualifications, I enjoin you to consult with another doctor and get a second opinion.

I am available for an interview anytime and will even submit myself to a practical exam to prove what I can accomplish with my steady and dexterous hands.

Thank you very much and I look forward to hearing from you.

Respectfully yours,

Orven Enoveso