the impish eye doctor

i just finish fountainhead by ayn rand. it was pretty heavy reading but its its the only book that made me read while sitting in the commode, i cant let it go from my hands. promise to share my review later but i have to let ms. rand’s words sip through my bones and fats first. i still have atlas shrugged to read. heavy reading ahead!

It’s Steve Jobs’ speech to the Stanford class of 2005. Definitely a good read for both Mac and PC users:

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I’ve ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That’s it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: “We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?” They said: “Of course.” My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents’ savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn’t see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn’t interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn’t all romantic. I didn’t have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends’ rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5 cent deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn’t have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can’t capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky - I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation - the Macintosh - a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn’t know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me - I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn’t see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple’s current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I’m pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn’t been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don’t lose faith. I’m convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn’t even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor’s code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you’d have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I’m fine now.

This was the closest I’ve been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960’s, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.” It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

Waking up early is a struggle for a candle burner. It seems that all the emulsified cholesterols are getting their fair share of respite. But these old bones have to get up and be ready for work and all that comes with it. Such an everyday scenario for me.

We live quite far from the hospital and my son’s school, ngitngit pa gud ig lakaw namo, nindot pa ka-ayong iku-ub sa habol. What we do is sleep through the journey to the city with our pillow on board. Mag-lanug-lanug pa gud kuno among hagok ingon pa sa driver, mamukaw na lang na siya kung naa na nami sa Boy’s High. Pilit-pilit pa among laway ig mata namo. Mukalit dayon ug kaabtik akong anak kung abot nami sa iya school , dayon pangutana ” late nako, mi?”

When its my turn to got off, diha pako magkara-kara ug sudlay, pulbos ug lipstick. Dayon dagan sa taas para mag-rounds, dali dali ug ilis ug scrub suit para sa mga kaso. Usahay muhapit pa ug panga-saba sa ophtha interns nga nag kwinanggol.

After all the procedures, adto dayon ko sa OPD. This has been a routine for quite sometime.

You see, im the only resident physician in my department with no applicants in sight. We serve a lot of patients a day and sometimes mag-GGB ka.

Manawagan unta ko kung naa moy kaila nga gusto mo training pagka-ophthalmologist, palihug kontaka dayon ko. Dawaton siya sa among department nga way lisud-lisud.

Pul-an pud biya ko usahay sa akong kahimtang, pero wa na may jud koy mabuhat kung dili sa pag-dawat sa sitwasyon. As in NO CHOICE. The only redeeming thing amidst the fatigue is the smile of the people you have help.

Like what happen yesterday. There was a patient who sought consult. She was not my ordinary clientile. She was a rich looking old woman with an educated bearing. (no offense to my other patients ha, who belong to CDE crowd) She wanted to have a second opinion on her eye problem. (nakalitan pud ko sa iyang tuyo kay kinsa ra man gud tawn ko nga pangayo-an ug second opinion, ni konsulta na ni siya sa usa sa mga ginoo sa ophtha sa cebu who is by far very much experience than me) She said she just came back from the US, where 3 american doctors saw her, they were not able to satisfy her. After examining her, i told her that indeed she had a serious eye problem (total retinal detachment), if she will undergo surgery, there’s only a slim chance that her eyesight could be restored.( this is what the other specialist also said) I was telling her that you should’nt be sad or felt sorry, God is so good to you, your other eye is still good. God gave you a lot of blessings, He gave you a good life, at least you will not worry where to get your next meal, all your children have studied well and you have never experienced anything to being poor. In fact your blessings are way beyond the usual. But I impressed upon her that with all the information that she’s getting about her condition, she and only she can make the decision for herself. Either she will undergo the surgery and all its risks or accept the situation wholeheartedly. It’s all up to her. The technology to treat her will always be here, and she has no financial hindrance to speak of, but the decision to use it will be her’s alone. And that was it.

Then, this afternoon, two girls were looking for me at the opd. I ask them why, they said that Mrs. XXX sent them to give me a bagful of chocolates, one for my interns and one for me. There was also a letter from her, thanking me for the time i spent with her and that technology cannot be compared to truthful and heartfelt explanation. Of course, i cannot deny that I was touch (tao lang po ako). And definitely, Im not sharing these with you so that I can brag ( im not also sharing my chocos, bleh!). Im sharing these because I wanted you to know that there are still people who have good souls, who appreciates what you’ve done to them. These are the things that makes me believe in the goodness of humanity. And for us overworked, government MD’s, this is what makes us keep going.

NAGKA -ESTORYAHANAY MI SA AKONG AMIGA GANINANG BUNTAG, NAG-LIBOG KUNO SIYA SA IYANG LIFE. WA SIYA KABALO KUNG UNSA IYANG GUSTO SA IYANG LIFE. KA FAET NGA PROBLEMA! GWAPA UG DATU MAN TA ANG AMAW!

PERO AKO CYA GI-INGNAN NGA LAIN-LAIN BIYA ATONG GUSTO SA LAIN-LAING LEVEL SA ATONGLIFE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DOC? INGON PA NIYA. WELL, SIMPLE LANG KAAYO, INDAY.

AT THIS LEVEL IN YOUR LIFE NOW, ALL YOU WANT IS TO HAVE FUN, WATCH MOVIES, BOOZE, PARTY, BUY NEW CELLPHONES, ACQUIRE THE LATEST GADGETS, GETTING LAID, HAVE THE MOST PRETTY GIRLFRIEND UG UBAN PANG KAHILAYAN. NAG-SALIG PA GUD MO SA INYONG GINIKANAN. LAYO PA KAAYO SA INYONG HUNA-HUNA ANG STABILITY, ALL YOU WANT RIGHT NOW IS TO ENJOY YOUR LIFE. MIND YOU, THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT, YOU DON’T DO THINGS THAT YOUDON’T ENJOY DOING. SIMPLE PA NA SA KABAW. THIS IS YOUR LEVEL NOW.

PERO, A FEW YEARS FROM NOW, LAHI NA PUD ANG IMONG GUSTO. ANOTHER LEVEL OF NEED NA PUD KA. YOU NOW WANT STABILITY, GREAT MEDICAL CAREER, MEANINGFUL SEX LIFE, GOOD WINE (GOOD BYE RED HORSE!) AND YOU NOW WANT TO SETTLE DOWN WITH YOUR FAFA OR MAMA. YOU NOW WANT A QUIET AND SATISFYING LIFE. YOU WANT TO CONTROL YOUR LIFE ACCORDING TOWHAT YOU NEED AND WISH TO NEED. IT IS IN THIS LEVEL THAT YOU CAN EASILY SAY THAT YOU’VE BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, AND WHAT THE HELL DO YOU NEED IT FOR? YOU’RE NOW YOUR OWN PERSON. KUNG MAKA-HINUMDUM KA PA SA IMONG MGA KA-GAGOHAN SA UNA, MAG-NGISI NA LANG KA, PAGKA-LECHE JUD DI AY NAKO NU ! MAO PUD NING PANAHUNA NGA MAG-SELECTIVE KONSENSYA KA, MA- KONSENSYA LANG KA SA BUTANG NGA DILI DIRECTLY INVOLVED IMONG BREAD AND BUTTER. BUT YOUR LIFE WILL NOT STAY AT THIS LEVEL.

IT WILL PROGRESS TO THE NEXT LEVEL, YOU ARE NOW MORE INTROSPECTIVE, AND MORE RELIGIOUS. MUBALIK NA KA UG ROSARYO, NOVENA UG MU-DAGKOT NA KA UG CANDILA, MU JOIN NAKA SA MGA RELIGIOUS GRUPO. MAG-”HOLIER THAN THOU” NA IMONG DATING. YOU SPEND MORE TIME IN CHURCH NOW THAN YOU’VE EVER BEEN. MAO PUD NING PANAHUNA NGA MU GRABE IMONG PAGKA- CHISMOSA UG PAGKA PAKI-ALAMERA. DAGHAN NA MAN KANG FREE TIME, UNYA MAS DAGHAN NA PUD KAG BUDGET. MAKA-PALIT NAKA SA TANANG BUTANG NGA WAY PAMILOK. PWEDE NA KA MU-PALIT UG KALIPAY KUNG WA JUD KA MAKA-EXPERIENCE UG KALIPAY SA BATA-BATA PAKA! KA FAET! PANAGSA NA LANG KAAYO KA MU-LINYA SA GROCERY SA SM KAY NAA MAN SILAY SPECIAL LANE SA SENIOR CITIZEN. BARATO PA JUD IMONG TAMBAL TUNGOD SA IMONG DISCOUNT. WALA NA PUD KAY BAYRANAN NGA INSURANCE KAY MATURE NA TANAN.

MAO NA AKONG GI-PASABUT NIMO. GETS MO? IN OTHER WORDS, LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST AND YOU CAN SHIFT LEVELS ANY TIME YOU WANT TO.

SIYA ANG BATA NGA NAA SA AMONG KILIRAN.
MAG-SIGE UG AMBAK - AMBAK, MAKA-LIPONG MURAG UG DUYAN.
GAKOS-GAKOSON KA KUNG IKAW NAG-LAGOT,
WAGTANGON DAYON IMONG KAMPUNGOT.
MUPA-HIYUM DAW MURA UG ARTISTA,
MAKALIMTAN ANG IMONG MGA PROBLEMA.
MAGKIG-HINABI NIMU NGA MURAG USA KA DAKUNG TAO,
ULITAWO NA KUNO CYA.
BATA NGA DILI NIMO MAKALIMTAN,
DILI NIMO MAPA- SAGDAN.
GI-UMOL SIYA SA GUGMA,
PATUBU-ON PUD SA GUGMA.
TUL-IRON SA DISIPLINA,
PARA MATINAHURON SA IYANG PAPA UG MAMA.
HINAUT SA KAHITAS-AN NGA PAGA-TUGAHAN SIYA SA MAAYONG UGMA.

by Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it’s queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there’s some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

nangutana ko sa akong migo (usa pud ka MD) nganong di mukoyug iya uyab sa among lakaw ganihang gabii, ingon cya nga nag hatud pa sa airport ang iyang uyab (usa ka med rep) sa usa ka doctor nga molarga ug manila. ako cyang gi-komedyahan nga grabe jud d i kaayo ta mu daug-daug ug med rep no? pero base sa iyang uyab, give and take ra man daw kuno ang relationship sa med rep ug sa MD. mag-unsa na man lang kuno ila tambal kung dili mo-resita ang MD. na a pud biya siyay punto.

but if you really want to dig in deeper between this relationship, you will uncover a very complex relation that goes beyond the mere”servicing” of MD’s by the reps.

from outside looking in, is this the same as the political patronage in the traditional politics ? you- help- me- and-i-help-you relationship. is there something wrong with this? is it beneficial to both parties?

i can only speak for myself, but i think that whether the reps will do the “servicing” to the MD’s, as long as their products are of good quality and really effective, the MD’s will prescribed their medicines.

on the other hand, some MD’s can get spoiled with this kind of “servicing”. they tend to prescribe meds based on the reps ability to serve them rather than on the reliability of their products.

ambot lang kung kinsay sakto ani nilang duha, basta sa ophtha, wa jud mi choice kay gamay ra kaayoy tambal nga kapilian. whether or not mu “service” sila namu, maka-gamit jud mi sa ila tambal .

Re: serving humanity

Doc Tes,

Salamat kaayo sa pagpost aning imong message - inspiring kaayo. Gave
me something to think about. Mejo depressed man gud ko over the
weekend - dili ko doktor pero I’d like to think that the things I
have done have helped others - specifically the friends I hang out
with.

Kaya lang I was starting to get tired, and feeling unappreciated. I
came to a point last night na — why the heck do I do these things,
they keep taking for granted what I do and they don’t see that I’m
tired?!!

Your message reminded me of the beauty of serving others. Nakalimtan
nako nga I used to do those things because I genuinely enjoyed doing
them. (Siguro kinahanglan lang sad nga makat-on ko ug balibad basta
kulang ko ug tulog.) fr: nina

AKONG TUBAG:

nins, kabaw baka nga hangtud karon uwaw ghapon ko nimu tungod sa
islacom bruhaha chu chu. i hope you still remember, better yet forget
it nalang kay bad girl kaayo ko adto.

i hope you dont mind if i tell you nga its normal (although not okay)
that sometimes our friends forgot our feelings but that doesnt mean
nga youre not appreciated . they are just preoccupied with their own
problems.

i may sound like tita helen now. but always remember that if you give
your time and effort to somebody, dont expect to have something in
return, it was your free will when you did this act. FREE WILL,
mao ni ang key. you give it for free but u will not always get what
you want.

come to think of it , dugay-dugay sad ko nakat-on ani, tungod cguro
sa atong pagka Theresian nga mo thank you jud ta kung naay nindot nga
gibuhat para sa ato ba, mu expect pud ta ug words of gratitude.

na a koy daghan nga mga pasyente nga bisag giduphan na nimo ilang
kaluwasan,dili jud ka kadungog bisag gamayng salamat. tutukan
raka.usahay ikaw pay sayop kay wa nimu tagda dayun ->etc, etc, (ug
uban pa nga ininutil nga pulung). sa una mag- yawyaw ko, pero naa koy
kauban nga doctor nga ni advise nga wa ray nada kuno akong pag yawyaw
kay wa kuno na cla ma-anad ug hatag ug salamat kay wa pud na cla
ma-anad nga naay muhatag ug maayong buhat nila. mao nga gidawat na
lang nako ilang pagka-walay batasan kay unsaon ta man, they were
deprived of the nature of goodness and act of gratitude. they cannot
give what they dont have. wa tay mabuhat. paet!ning kinabuhi-a!

but im not saying ha that your friends are ingrata or maybe they are
!……. maybe they were deprived of the nature of goodness and
act of gratitude….maybe ako clang mga pasyente….. maybe time to
change friends na…… LUV YA , tes

it’s a long time nga naka hugas ko ug plato sa among balay ( kani laging mag salig ta sa katabang). Samtang nanabon nako, i was thinking nga murag man sad d i ni ug orchestra concert ang pang hugas. tapok tapok ang mga baso (drum section), plato ug kutsilyo (wind instruments section), kutsara, tinidor (string section). human butang ug sabon, banlawan sa tubig, butang sa drainer. lain napong tapok, butang sabon, banlaw, drainer, lain na pud. refrain kay wa na mubuwa, tuslod sa joy. lain na pud nga tapok. Oi, na stock up ang lababo, punitpunit sa bukog ug momho. sa akong pag hugas mura ko ug conductor nga nag duma sa lain laing section sa instrumento nga ending usa ka limpyo ug nindot nga kanta, usa ka limpyo nga banggera.